When's the last time you felt down or depressed?
For me it was not too long before I had the idea of making this blog post. I had a shitty two weeks after my birthday. On my birthday itself, I scurried to the emergency room with my brother at 10pm to go and say goodbye to my grandfather who might pass away in the next day or two. Then for the following 3 days, I had the flu or COVID or something so I basically did nothing, also missed a lot of rock climbing. Then the week after, my grandfather finally kicked the bucket, my work cadence is now a bit whack because of the leave I took and sleeping is a bit difficult.
One thing among all of this is that during the first week, I barely talked to anyone. It was just work, go home, eat, sleep. Then with the flu, I stayed in bed a lot, cleaned, rested and worked on a few personal projects. A big thing that was lacking is human connections.
I would rather not go deep into it, but it wasn't until next week I realized that the way I was thinking is kinda stupid and instead I should do something that can inject some dopamine straight into my nervous system without the need for an invasive procedure or a large needle.
You're probably thinking that I feel lonely, right? I'm sure that you might feel lonely in this situation too. Well I was thinking that at first, but then I realized there are people around me, I just choose not to connect with them. Why?... Because it takes so long to move my fingers over my phone's virtual keyboard of course! I don't have time for that, I work full time!!! (Yes I'm being sarcastic)
I probably didn't want to talk because didn't have anything to talk about so I worried that I couldn't lead the conversation anywhere. I've talked to people before who seem like they have literally nothing to talk about, but they actually do, and they don't have the will power to move the conversation forward by being vulnerable or suggesting something whimsical. I didn't want to be like this for someone else.
I actually had a lot to talk about, like my horrible week and all, but I didn't want to burden someone other than a close friend about that (actually I didn't want to burden anyone at all with that). Basically they are probably not expecting me to dump this all on them so it's going to make them feel really uncomfortable if they aren't mentally prepared to deal with it or also in a shitty mood.
I then had a little thought. Thinking about it that way is inherently selfish because I want to talk about what I want to talk about. But I didn't want to talk, I actually felt like listening to something other than what I've been going through in my head for the last two weeks.
So I should ask someone how they are! Get to know how they are going and what's troubling them.
Everyone likes talking about themselves. Philosophically speaking we can't avoid that, but we can use it to make someone else feel better at the very least. My hope was that it could also make me feel better too. And guess what... I got more than that!
I had a decent set of positive experiences but one of them tops them all.
I have one friend who we will name "🪨".
🪨 Is a really really nice guy. He's always sweet and selfless but has some issues with self esteem and expectations from parents.
I've known 🪨 for probably about 2-3 years I think. They live in another country but we keep in-touch. We don't have many things in common but we both enjoy talking about things we are working on computer-wise every now and then that we do ping each other and have a little yarn.
But it was mostly him reaching out to me and asking how I was. I don't think I recall me once initiating a conversation with him until around the time of making this post.
I decided that today was the day that I reach out to 🪨. See how he's doing. Understand his problems a bit better.
I reached out and he responded almost immediately.
In the conversation we had, I learned that he'd moved out, started working and basically turned around his self confidence and other things in his life. I could tell even by the way he was writing his messages that he definitely had changed for the better since the last time we talked (probably about 3-4 months).
I wasn't even talking about myself. Hell, he didn't even ask about how I'm going and I didn't care because what he was talking about about was way more interesting. It was a story about moving forward and it was filled with passion.
The conversation then drifted to work. 🪨 Was going to ask his manager for a reference letter. I was a bit worried he was making the wrong choice here because he is working at a factory, his boss probably doesn't really care about him and with this act of asking for a reference, his boss is probably gonna think he's jumping ship.
I've never experienced this personally, but if I were a boss, I'd probably do a few things:
- Try and keep him by promoting or giving a raise
- Guilt him into staying by increasing his responsibilities
- Convincing other staff members to be nicer to him so that he stays
I don't consider myself an evil person, but I reckon there are some other more nefarious things on this list that others might add or may have experienced. But what matters is the fact that your boss knows you've got cold feet, so they know they have to act, and their actions can be unpredictable and potentially hurtful to yourself, your property or your feelings.
Basically have you ever tried to leave a criminal gang? Or at least watch a movie where someone tries to do that? That's an exaggeration but it's the feeling that I would get.
I told 🪨 that it was really risky and he should think otherwise, and he did something I didn't really expect of him. He said I was wrong and I didn't understand the situation 🤯
I accepted that. I was shocked at how much he'd changed, but I accepted it. I didn't know what his job was actually like because I'm not there. His boss could actually be pretty nice.
I then told 🪨 that I have a friend who might want to hear this story as they are currently stuck in a full time temp role (temporary contract but full time hours. So this means he doesn't get any benefits and can be laid off at any time without severance).
And guess what, 🪨 happened to bump into him and say hello.
I don't actually know what they talked about, but my mind likes to think they talked a bit about work.
The point of this story is that the simple act of saying 'how are you?' didn't just make me feel better, it also probably helped someone else.
So go do it!